A normal day for the Volturi
by SkittleE
Summary: THIS. IS. A. CRACKFIC. That means that it will be stupid, odd, and random. Don't like? Don't read. I'll update this as I get bored, which means up to two or three times a day.
1. Chapter 1: Jane needs a mate

**A/N: If you didn't bother to read the summary, you need to know that this should not be taken seriously. I offend myself by writing this, and hope to make people laugh. It will be random and stupid. I could update it a bunch of times a day because I get bored often and I only write this when I do. Enjoy!**

Jane finished torturing the fifth person that day, and it was only 9:30 AM. The person was Santiago, whom for some reason was a part of the Volturi guard even though he had no special gift of any kind.

"Jane, you need a mate." He said as he stood up and dusted himself off.

"I do not!" Jane exclaimed. "Do I?"

"Yep. Because if you had a mate, you would be able to do something other than torture everyone all the time. It would be a win-win situation for everyone." He explained.

Jane shook her head. "Well, I'm not going to get one. So ha!" Gianna then walked up.

"Aro says you need to get a mate." And so Gianna was tortured and left on the ground twitching while Jane went off to find a mate.

She searched far and wide, over hills, into the sea, and in Denny's. Jane rode Giraffes who ran around in fear, tortured pigeons, and looked in Denny's again. Finally, she made her way back to Volterra, where she once again ran into Santiago.

"Santiago, I can't find a mate. I looked all over, and in Denny's. Twice!" She whined, as her whining was usually very effective.

The meaningless guard member pitied her, so he made a suggestion. "Do you want to be mates?"

"Sure." Jane shrugged.

And so they happily skipped off into the sunset, going to Denny's, finding out what hot dogs are made of (I think there's a raccoon and boot in there somewhere), and refusing to kiss each other.

Gianna was fired for twitching on the ground; but immediately was re-hired because the Volturi needed a secretary.

Aro was pleased with Jane and Santiago's pairing.

Felix drooled over the Wii.

I came in and slapped them all with a magical paper clip holder.

THE END (or not.)

**A/N: Definitely or not. I hope this is funnier and randomer than I think it is. Review!**


	2. Chapter 2: Things Felix can't do

**A/N: Once again, I even offend myself by writing this, and I hope you find this funny. I imagine Felix to be an Emmett-esc type of guy, if that helps at all. **

"Darn it Felix! I have had it for the last time!" Caius shouted.

"Um, old dude, you've had it for the last time for the last twenty-nine times." Felix stated calmly, and then walked off. Chelsea, Demetri, and Alec were all watching while many other members of the guard were pretending not to watch. Felix had spray-painted Caius's throne pink with little butterflies, while singing the Barbie song and trying to knock Caius unconscious. Aro walked up to the three that were plainly watching.

"I would like you three to write a list of things that Felix isn't allowed to do. And please, try to see the future like Alice so I won't have to keep trying to get her into the Volturi, ok?" He asked. They all nodded. "O' happy day! This is so amazing that you will do it! I'm so happy! Oh, amazing, this door has hinges! Incredible, this carpet is blue! Oh my, this is so intriguing, there's a bowl of oatmeal right there!" Aro continued his happy talk all the way down the hall.

"Well, guys, let's get started." Chelsea said. They went and got some paper and a pen from Gianna, and passed Felix carving profanities into the wall as Caius ran after him. "That's our first one then." And so they started on their list.

**Carve (insert profanity and/or rhyming cuss word here) into a wall.**

**Hog the Wii**

**Chase after fat tourists when it's feeding time**

**Drink a cup of who-knows-what and spit it out when Caius starts talking**

**Hack the Pentagon**

**Encourage terrorist groups founded by a Saudi Arabian guy**

**Dye Caius's hair lime green**

**Replace all chairs with toilets**

**As you're driving by and see a couple of guys walking down the street roll down the window and yell out: "Hey lovebirds!"**

**Rip band-aids off of small children really fast as you're walking by**

**Go riding down staircases on a mattress and two ducks**

**Dye Caius's hair hot pink with orange spots**

**Prank call Best Buy**

**Dress like a gangster**

**Give heavy metal bands gigs in the castle**

**Burn Heidi's clothes**

**Wear fake side-burns**

**Staple Marcus's face into a smile**

**Paint Caius's throne bright pink with butterflies**

**Remove all paint remover from the castle**

**Go eco-friendly hippie (a.k.a "green".)**

**Rob McDonalds**

**Squirt everyone you see with Capri Sun**

**Say: "Oh man this blood is good!" really loud in public**

**Throw taco's at random people**

**Continually check yourself in and break out of a mental asylum**

**Become the rocking horse and hair brush burglar**

**Get some really big speakers, turn the volume up on full, and yell (insert profanities and/or rhyming cuss words here)**

**Replace all the blood with ketchup**

**Start a scrapbook on all the things you've done**

**Spray-paint the castle hot pink**

**Put graffiti all over Caius's bedroom**

**Sneak the wives out of the tower continuously**

**Ignore this list**

"I think this is good enough for now." Alec finished off the list. The group then put up copies of it everywhere in the castle and in huge words on Felix's bedroom wall.

"Ah, excellent. I see you have finished your task." Aro said. "But don't you think the list could be a bit longer though?"

"Yeah, we're going to work on that later." Demetri said.

"Well that's just wonderful! The absolute highlight of my day! Oh my, a chipmunk! Isn't that just fabulous?" Aro started walking off again. The trio shrugged at each other and proceeded to find out that Felix had put up posters of them with big glasses, mustaches, pink clothes, and curly hair. Oh yeah, and terrible acne.

"I knew something like this was going to happen. We might as well start on the next list guys." Demetri looked around. Guys? Guys? Girl and guy? Girl and guy who has not hit puberty yet? Dang it." He stalked off. Felix then snuck through the hallway and scribbled all over the lists of things for him not to do, and then started throwing taco's at random people.

THE END (or not)

**A/N: Funny? Like it? Review! I hate people who read stories and don't bother to review when the author is begging them to. Of course, that makes me a hypocrite. Seriously, review!**


	3. Chapter 3: Afton's first therapy session

**A/N: Sorry it took so long to update, the great computer backup failure of 2010 really gets in your way sometimes.**

"Everyone gather 'round on this beautiful, glorious day!" Aro exclaimed, holding out his arms. It was curious that he could call a wet, cold, and sleet-filled day beautiful but could hardly stand to call his wife pretty.

"What is it Aro?" Caius asked, coming back from re-enforcing the locks and doors in the wives tower. He was shocked to find that he was last into the room, and reminded himself to get eternal vengeance later. He could because he was a vampire.

"We have a new vampire for the guard! Isn't that just great? This person might even surpass Jane with their wonderful gift." Aro smiled his creepy, happy smile. Jane started grinding her teeth and a lot of people started screaming, one after the other.

"And what might this oh so wonderful gift be, master?" Jane asked through closed teeth.

Aro smiled even wider, if that was possible. "They have the power of therapy!"

"Um, you mean they can control emotions?" Demetri asked.

"Nope. They were a wonderful therapist when they were human, and I decided to turn them into a vampire! Isn't this great?" Many people started questioning Aro's sanity. "And now I present to you, the therapist lady whom I don't know the name to!" The most boring-looking person ever stepped into the room, with a notepad. Everyone assumed it was the notepad of death of course. After many scares and impossible fainting though, everything turned out all right.

Aro insisted they all go to have a therapy session with her, so an hour later everyone was lined up outside of her office, waiting. No one understood why Afton looked so nervous though. He was jittery and shifting his eyes a lot and making everyone's sight blurry, because that was his gift. Suddenly, Marcus came out crying.

"It's all so true! Oh why? Oh whyyyy? It's my entire fault! I'm a bad person!" He tearlessly sobbed, before smiling and skipping happily off. Someone called next, and Demetri went in.

"Um, Chelsea? I have to tell you something. Something important." Afton whispered into his mate's ear.

"What is it?" She whispered back excitedly, she was the biggest gossip in Volterra and couldn't wait to spread the news around.

"This is my first therapy session! I haven't ever needed to visit a therapist before!"

"Hold my place in line! I'm going to go tell everyone now!" Chelsea sprinted off before Afton caught her arm.

"You have to promise not to tell anyone in any way now! Please? This is supposed to be a secret!" Afton's pleas were in vain though, for Chelsea was already texting.

**Chelsea: Hay H, ul nvr blive wat A just told me!**

**Hiedi: Wht is it?**

**Chelsea: Aprntly, hes nvr had a thrpy ssn bfr!**

**Hiedi: No way! Can I sprd teh nws?**

**Chelsea: Gt to it! Im alrdy txting as fst as I cn!**

Therefore, in this display of bad spelling and terrible grammar, everyone knew that Afton had impossibly never had a therapy session before when it was his turn.

"Yo' Afton! Heard you hadn't had a therapy session before, you nervous?" Felix bounded up.

"I'm just going to go in and get it over with." Afton lied smoothly, already planning where exactly he would throw the potted plant through the wall and cry about how his pet alien never hugged him.

"Don't worry 'bout it, you've just got to answer the questions, do what the therapist tells you to, and take off your pants.."

"Really? Thanks Felix."

"No problem." Felix walked off howling in laughter, though Afton could not imagine why. The next person to walk up was Jane.

"Afton, you haven't been to therapy before. Everyone knows about it. Just answer questions, do what the therapist tells you to, and wear a bikini." Jane laughed.

"Thanks Jane!" Afton smiled brightly, and Jane tortured him before laughing all the way down the hall.

And so it continued, good advice kept on coming for Afton. All his peers, and even people who didn't like him, were giving him clues on how to have a successful therapy session. Little did he know, bad people were working against him.

The goldfish never saw it coming.

THE END (or not)

**A/N: Just so you know, I have no idea what "Text talk" is or how to type it. I am the definition of loser. **


End file.
